In Session One, we laid a foundation for discussing our eight marriage commitments by describing and defining a mature masculinity and a mature femininity, according to a biblical worldview.
In Session Two, we discussed the marriage commitment as a God-centered and –ordained life-long covenant union.
In Session Three, we began to move into areas of practical application within the marriage covenant, discussing issues such as trust, respect, forgiveness, love, communication, and problem solving. Whereas the first two sessions covered commitments 1-5, the final session will cover commitments 6-8:
Commitment #6 - We will seek to develop an atmosphere of mutual trust, respect, forgiveness, and love in our relationship. We vow to be quick to trust, quick to forgive, and quick to show love and respect at every point of our lives together.
Commitment #7 - We will strive to always allow the principles of Scripture to govern the ways in which we communicate. Knowing that the “tongue is a fire” that can set our marriage ablaze, that it is a “restless evil…full of deadly poison” (James 3:3-12), we vow to be circumspect in our speech, acting peaceably and gently with each other, always being filled with a heart of mercy toward each other (3:17).
Commitment # 8 - Knowing that poor communication is frequently a source of strife and bitterness within a marriage, we will heartily commit ourselves to the goal of communication, striving to develop greater oneness in our marriage. Therefore we will give ourselves to godly communication that serves to unify and strengthen our familial bonds.
Session Four will primarily focus on communication within the Christian home (commitments #6-8). A marriage that is rooted in the reality of union with Christ brings gospel-mindedness resulting in good communication between husband and wife, which brings us to the goal of communication: an intimate knowledge of the marriage partner.
The Christian Family United in Christ
God’s purpose and plan for marriage is the same as it is for every other thing: “to unite all things in [Christ], things in heaven and things on earth” (Eph. 1:10, ESV). Christian marriage is the bringing together into a one-flesh relationship two people who have already been united to Christ. In a Christian marriage relationship, it must be recognized that husband and wife are united to each other and both are united to Christ.[1] All things cohere together in Him. Husband and wife are part of the universal body of Christ.
Thus constituted, the marriage union must function in harmony with Christ, the Head. As the family branch abides in Christ the Vine, it will bear much fruit (John 15:1-5). Departure from biblical values and gospel-mindedness[2] will inevitably result in the disintegration of the marriage relationship. Knowing this, it is critical that the Christian couple regularly participate in the life of a local body of believers (Rom. 12:4-8; 1 Cor. 12-14; Eph. 4:11-16; Heb. 10:25).[3]
Such participation in a congregation constituted of members of Christ’s body will provide for edification in sound doctrine (assuming that the couple are in a Bible-believing and –preaching evangelical church), godly counsel in various areas of life (assuming that church leadership properly utilizes Scripture to address spiritual and relational problems), and mutual accountability (assuming that the couple willingly submits to the leadership of the local congregation).
When the couple actively participates in the ministry of a sound evangelical church, they will inevitably advance to greater levels of spiritual maturity, which, in turn, will strengthen the bonds of their marriage in Christ. In such an environment, the husband is brought to maturity under the influence of godly men (Titus 2:6-8) and the wife is encouraged and nurtured by older women in Christ (Titus 2:3-5).
The household is to function like a microcosm of the body of Christ, the church. The same principles that hold true in the family hold true in the church. Thus, the training in godliness that occurs in a church setting necessarily benefits and strengthens the familial bonds in Christ at home. Indeed, “the church is built upon the model of the natural household as its spiritual equivalent”[4] (cf. 1 Tim. 3:4-5, 15; 5:1-2; Titus 2:4-5; 1 Pet. 2:5).
If the family unit is regularly or permanently disengaged from a local evangelical congregation, it will inevitably suffer decline in relational health and stability. The family unit was simply not designed by God to operate and flourish apart from integration into a local body of believers.[5] The ontological reality of union with Christ simply demands union with His body in a real, visible, and tangible way. Apart from such participation in His body, the couple will not be able to foster an atmosphere of mutual trust, respect, forgiveness, and Christian love in their relationship (see commitment #6).
Just as union with Christ brings awareness for the need to assemble with other members of His body for our spiritual health and welfare, it should also bring us under conviction for the ways in which we mistreat our spouse and think of ourselves within the marriage covenant. Thus, regular biblical instruction in church has a sanctifying effect on our marriage relationship as it reminds us of the reality of our union with Christ and His body.
Gospel-mindedness, Communication, and Intimate Knowledge
A marriage that abides in the reality of union with Christ will bring a gospel-mindedness that results in good communication between husband and wife, thus avoiding many of the pitfalls of today’s crumbling marriages.
As the husband continually reflects on the reality of his union with Christ, who is the fullest expression of God’s love toward humanity, he will, as a result, act in grace and Christ-likeness toward his wife.
As the wife meditates upon her union with Christ, the One who submitted Himself to the will of the Father (Matt. 26:39; 1 Cor. 11:3), she will, as a result, act in grace and Christ-likeness toward her husband.
Good communication, however, is not something that comes about automatically as a result of our union with Christ. Good communication is something that can be very difficult and burdensome. Our natural fallen state predisposes us to utter hurtful, evil words that bring conflict to our relationships (cf. Jam. 3:3-12). Knowing this, it is all the more crucial that couples endeavor to always speak to each other in the shadow of the cross of Christ. The mercy, grace, and love of God displayed at the cross needs to season our speech at all times (see commitment #7).
The goal in communicating well with each other is not simply to avoid problems; it is the cultivation of a deep, personal, and intimate knowledge of the marriage partner. Just as the goal of salvation is not simply salvation from eternal hellfire, but the intimacy of a real and authentic relationship with our Creator, the goal of good communication in marriage is “the knowledge of intimacy” expressed in the fullness of knowing and loving the other.[6]
Believers rejoice in the fact that, even though we are wretched, pitiful rebels who do not deserve the love of God and the fullness of His salvation, Christ died for us to reconcile us to the Father. He did this for us even though He knew the wickedness of our hearts. He knew us, really knew us, our every wicked thought, intention, and deed, and yet He loved us nonetheless. What a tremendous truth! Similarly, knowing is at the heart of marriage. To be fully known and still be fully loved is one of the supreme goals of marriage.[7]
“To be known by God is the highest goal of human existence. To know that God knows everything about me and yet loves me is indeed my ultimate consolation. What a comfort to know that I cannot pull the wool over God’s eyes – there’s no point in ever trying. The human institution of marriage should mirror that consolation. The more we are able to reveal ourselves to our life partners and still be loved, the more we are able to understand what a relationship with [or, union with] God is all about. The greatest consolation I have in this world is the knowledge that my wife knows me better than any person on this planet, and – guess what? – she loves me.”[8]
Our goal in communicating well within the sacred marriage covenant is a true and intimate knowing of the other.[9] This knowing is informed and empowered by the grace of Christ, abiding only as we purpose to be gospel-minded in our daily lives toward our one-flesh partner. Gospel-mindedness is rooted in the reality of union with Christ. Hence, the following dynamic can be shown:
† Union With Christ >>> Gospel-mindedness >>> Good Communication >>> Intimate Knowledge †
The key for each covenant partner in the above chain is gospel-mindedness.[10] If this is lost, communication will break down and the intimate knowledge of the other will begin to deteriorate, starting from that point onward, unless and until grace intervenes to reestablish godly relations. Greater oneness in marriage (see commitment #8) results from good communication, which results from gospel-mindedness, which follows from the reality of our union with Christ.
Our desire is that the hearts of the couple may be “knit together in love, to reach all the riches of full assurance of understanding and the knowledge of God’s mystery, which is Christ” (Col. 2:2). Having been brought into union with Christ by faith, the husband and wife must take great care to “walk in Him” on a daily basis, mindful of the gospel of grace, being “rooted and built up in Him and established in the faith” and “abounding in thanksgiving” (Col. 2:6-7).
Being firmly rooted in our union with Christ, we endeavor to always remember the message of the cross, our speech saturated with grace and peace, with the result of a deeper intimacy with the one-flesh partner our God has given to us as a gift.
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[1] On union with Christ: At conversion, the sinner experientially enters into union with Christ, thus inheriting all of the benefits of salvation in Him (John 15:4-5; Rom. 8:10; 1 Cor. 1:30; 2 Cor. 5:17; Eph. 1:11). Through this mysterious union, the elect participate in the life and work of Christ as if they had performed it themselves (Rom. 6:5-6; Eph. 2:6; 2 Cor. 5:14; Gal. 2:20). Christ is in the believer and the believer is in Christ (John 14:20). Formed by the Spirit, this union creates an indissoluble bond that is permanent and eternal, a relationship that can never be undone or severed (John 10:28-30; Eph. 1:11-14; 5:31-32; Phil. 1:6; 1 Pet. 1:23). Union with God the Son simultaneously results in a comprehensive union with the entire Godhead. Those who are in Christ are in God the Father (John 14:23; 17:21; 1 John 2:24) and in God the Holy Spirit (Rom. 8:9; 1 Cor. 6:19; 2 Tim. 1:14).
[2] “Gospel-mindedness” is the abiding awareness of the undeserved gift of our salvation that was wrought entirely through the initiating and sustaining grace of God in Christ our Lord. It inevitably results in a life filled with mercy and graciousness toward others who may sin against us. Gospel-mindedness creates a default setting of forgiveness in the life and worldview of the twice born and provides the only sure foundation for all marriage relations.
[3] The primary responsibility for ensuring that the family unit becomes a vital part of a local church lay with the husband. According to the biblical pattern, the husband is the one who is to lead, protect, and provide for the family. Part of this provision necessarily includes spiritual leadership and oversight within the home. Although the abdication of spiritual responsibility from the husband to the wife is prevalent in our culture today, it is not God’s will for the family. Such abdication openly displays the sad reality of the spiritual lethargy and/or spiritual death of the man.
[4] Andreas J. Kostenberger with David W. Jones, God, Marriage, and Family: Rebuilding the Biblical Foundation, 2nd edition (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2010), 253.
[5] Kostenberger, on the importance of keeping the entities of the church and the family distinct: “The family and the church each have distinctive roles and serve distinct purposes in God’s plan. They each have particular spheres of operation and powers and authorities. While there is a certain amount of overlap, these two entities should therefore not be confused or unduly collapsed into one” (256).
[6] R.C. Sproul, The Intimate Marriage: A Practical Guide to Building a Great Marriage (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2003), 10.
[7] Sproul, 11.
[8] Sproul, 12-13.
[9] The daily cultivation of an intimate knowledge of the marriage partner is the practical outworking of the existing one-flesh union that was instituted when the marriage covenant was ratified, just as the progressive sanctification of the Christian is the practical outworking of the positional sanctification that took place at salvation. The practical thus follows from and is built upon the reality of the existential.
[10] The reality of union with Christ, being dependent upon the sovereign God alone, is something that is never in question for the born-again believer. As a necessary result of the Christian’s union with Christ, he will persevere in the faith and never depart from this union. It is the initiative and power of God that keeps believers strong and standing firm in the faith until the end (1 Cor. 1:8; 2 Cor. 1:21; Phil. 1:6; 2 Tim. 4:18). God will never orphan those whom He has adopted as His children (Rom. 8:23; Eph. 1:5), will never depart from those whom He has indwelt (1 Cor. 6:19), will never abandon those whom He has sealed with His mark of ownership (Eph. 1:13), will never go back on His word of guaranteeing our inheritance in Christ (2 Cor. 1:22), will never destroy the foundation He has established between Christ and His elect (Eph. 2:20; 2 Cor. 1:21), and will never dismember the body of Christ that He has created by His gracious initiative (Eph. 4:15; 5:23; Col. 1:18; 2:19). Union with Christ gives rise to an effectual working of God in the heart of the believer that enables him to work out his salvation and grow in spiritual maturity (Phil. 2:12-13). The perseverance of the elect is further guaranteed by the eternal nature of the new covenant and the intercessory ministry of our perfect High Priest in the presence of God on our behalf (Jer. 31:31-34; Heb. 7:25; 9:24; 13:20 1 John 2:1). Union with Christ was never, and is never, dependent upon our own efforts or agitations.
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