In Session One, we laid a foundation for discussing our eight marriage commitments by describing and defining a mature masculinity and a mature femininity, according to a biblical worldview. A biblical vision of complementarity involves the following two commissions:
(1) The commission of biblical headship for the husband. This is the divine call to take primary responsibility for Christlike, servant-leadership, protection and provision in the home.
(2) The commission of biblical submission for the wife. This is the divine calling to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership and help carry it though according to her gifts.
In Session Two, we will discussed the marriage commitment as a God-centered and –ordained life-long covenant union:
Commitment #1 - Our commitment to each other is a life-long commitment, to be severed only by death. We reject the concept of divorce as a legitimate way to end our marriage covenant.
In Session Three, we begin to move into areas of practical application within the marriage covenant and discuss issues such as trust, respect, forgiveness, love, communication, and problem solving. Whereas the first two sessions covered commitments 1-5, these final sessions will cover commitments 6-8:
Commitment #6 - We will seek to develop an atmosphere of mutual trust, respect, forgiveness, and love in our relationship. We vow to be quick to trust, quick to forgive, and quick to show love and respect at every point of our lives together.
Commitment #7 - We will strive to always allow the principles of Scripture to govern the ways in which we communicate. Knowing that the “tongue is a fire” that can set our marriage ablaze, that it is a “restless evil…full of deadly poison” (James 3:3-12), we vow to be circumspect in our speech, acting peaceably and gently with each other, always being filled with a heart of mercy toward each other (3:17).
Commitment # 8 - Knowing that poor communication is frequently a source of strife and bitterness within a marriage, we will heartily commit ourselves to the goal of communication, striving to develop greater oneness in our marriage. Therefore we will give ourselves to godly communication that serves to unify and strengthen our familial bonds.
This session will focus primarily on a discussion of the salient points of Emerson Eggerichs, Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs (Nashville, TN: Thomas Nelson, 2004).[1]
The primary theme and teaching of Love & Respect is taken from Ephesians 5:33:
However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband (ESV, emphasis added).
Eggerichs states, “The Love and Respect Connection is the key to any problem in a marriage. This is not just a nice little theory to which I added a few Bible verses. How the need for love and the need for respect play off of one another in a marriage has everything to do with the kind of marriage you will have” (15, emphasis in original).
This “connection” between love and respect is, in Eggerichs’ opinion, the very core of the dynamics of the marriage relationship. He describes it thus: “When a husband feels disrespected, he has a natural [fallen] tendency to react in ways that feel unloving to his wife…. When a wife feels unloved, she has a natural [fallen] tendency to react in ways that feel disrespectful to her husband” (16).
Eggerichs’ teaching follows this structure: (1) Control the Craziness (The Crazy Cycle); (2) Energize Each Other With Love and Respect (The Energizing Cycle); and (3) Enjoy the Rewards of a Godly Marriage (The Rewarded Cycle). This session will focus mainly on the first two parts of the book.
Unconditionality in the Covenant Relationship
One key stumbling block to healthy marriages is the lack of unconditional love and unconditional respect given to each partner by the other. The husband may believe the wife undeserving of unconditional love and the wife may believe the husband undeserving of unconditional respect. Thus, the husband withholds love (intentionally or otherwise) and the wife withholds respect (intentionally or otherwise). The withholding of these key ingredients begins to rot the marriage relationship from the inside out. These are not peripheral facets of the relationship that are merely optional for its health and well-being. The fact of the matter is that God’s Word commands the husband to love the wife unconditionally and commands the wife to respect the husband unconditionally. These commands for Christian marriage are not burdensome, but grounded in His eternal love for us.
In Eph. 5:33, the command is given for husbands to “love” their wives. The word “love” is translated from the Greek verb agapao, which carries the sense of unconditional love. The same verb is used in John 3:16 of God’s love for mankind in the giving of His only Son for the sins of the undeserving world. This is the kind of love that a husband should have for the wife: unconditional, unswerving love (cf. Eph. 5:25).
Of particular interest regarding the unconditional nature of the respect given to the husband by the wife is 1 Pet. 3:1-2:
“Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct” (emphasis added).
Consider that the teaching here concerns a husband who is disobedient to the teaching of God. Such is a man who many wives may reckon undeserving of respect. Indeed, he may not deserve to be shown any respect by the standards of this fallen world. However, the Lord commands that wives show respect even unto husbands who are not worthy of such treatment. Eggerichs states, “Peter is not calling on wives to feel respect; he is commanding them to show respectful behavior. This is not about the husband deserving respect; it is about the wife being willing to treat her husband respectfully without conditions…. The key to creating fond feelings of love in a husband toward his wife is through showing him unconditional respect” (18-19).
Recognizing Intentions
One of Eggerichs’ teachings that has definitely helped me in my own marriage relationship concerns the intentionality of my wife’s attitude and actions. There are times in our relationship where stress creates edginess and conflict. During these times, Eggerichs urges the husband to “decide to believe” that the wife “does not intend to be disrespectful” deep down in her heart. He similarly urges the wife to “decide to believe” that the husband “does not intend to be unloving” deep down in his soul. No one enters the marriage covenant with ill intentions. But life intrudes, and thus we find ourselves (sinful, fallen creatures we are) in conflict with those we love the most, many times over insignificant issues. It is during these times when we must train our minds and discipline ourselves to remember the love and respect which helped to form the marriage union. Neither partner entered intending to create strife and discord, and neither partner truly wishes to be unloving or disrespectful, even if these qualities may occasionally show forth.
Do not lose sight of the heart of your spouse toward you. Husbands, love your wives and always try to see what is in her deepest heart. Wives, respect your husbands and always try to see what is in his deepest heart (70).
In every marriage there will be times of conflict. During these times, the key is to remember the original heart intentions of the one toward the other, and recognizing this, to be gracious toward one another, quick to forgive, for this is how God in Christ has displayed His love toward us. He is not a stern and demanding god, but One whose heart overflows with grace, mercy, and peace.
Commitment #6 - We will seek to develop an atmosphere of mutual trust, respect, forgiveness, and love in our relationship. We vow to be quick to trust, quick to forgive, and quick to show love and respect at every point of our lives together.
Why “Love” and Why “Respect”?
Eph. 5:33: However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband (ESV, emphasis added).
Why does the Lord not command wives to love their husbands? And why does He not command husbands to respect their wives? The answer is simple: “Men are commanded to love because they don’t love naturally, and women are commanded to respect because they don’t respect naturally” (70).
Women are designed to love, therefore, a command for wives to love their husbands would be superfluous. Eggerichs: “God is not into redundancy” (36). Men have a deep drive to be respected by their wives. Eggerichs cites a survey in which men were asked to answer the following question:
“In the middle of a conflict with my wife, I am more likely to be feeling: (a) that my wife doesn’t respect me right now; or (b) that my wife doesn’t love me right now.”
An astounding 81.5 percent of men chose “(a) that my wife doesn’t respect me right now.” This surely demonstrates the heart of men when in conflict with their wives. Eggerichs: “Respect does something to the soul of a man. God made him that way” (47). A man’s love is motivated, energized, and inspired by the respect given him by his wife.
The “Crazy Cycle” speeds up when the wife is perceived to be disrespectful in words, tone, or attitude. Notice that I stated “perceived” in the previous sentence. The wife doesn’t have to be intentionally disrespectful in order for it to be interpreted by the man as disrespect. When the wife criticizes a man and/or his actions, or if she is contentious in her manner, this will be interpreted by the man as disrespect. Prov. 21:19 states that “it is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome [contentious, NASB] and fretful [easily-provoked, NET] woman.”
When the husband senses disrespect, he (usually) withdraws, which is then interpreted as an unloving act by the wife. This creates further disrespectful words and/or actions on her part. It is critical that, at this point, one of the parties involved break this cycle and intervene with grace, recognizing the true heart of the other. The respect of the woman motivates the love of the man, which in turn motivates her respect, and so on. Eggerichs calls this “The Energizing Cycle.”
Who Makes the First Move?
To the great detriment of our marriage relationships, our fallen natures hinder their repair. Too concerned with our own pride and desire to “win” conflicts with those who we love the most in this world, we frequently self-destruct by refusing to initiate reconciliation. In this, we forget our calling as peacemakers who have been given the ministry of reconciliation:
Matt. 5:9 – Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
2 Cor. 5:17 – Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation.
Contrary to the American cultural ethos, the one who wins is not the rugged individualist who stands his/her ground, but the one who recognizes his/her need for communion with others and yields in grace and mercy so that broken relationships can be made whole again, thus reflecting the glorious image and nature of God Himself.
In a Christian marriage, the one who “wins,” is the one who is the first to act in grace.
Christian couples should be rushing to each other, trying to outdo each other in grace, mercy, and forgiveness; not for the sake of sinful pride, but for the sake of the Gospel and the glory of God. God is glorified in our marriages when they reflect the saving message of Christ that we proclaim to a world enslaved in darkness.
Preventing Conflict Before It Happens
In order to prevent conflict before it occurs, the husband must be aware of his wife’s feelings and perceptions of him. If the husband is insensitive in this area, conflict is inevitable. Eggerichs proposes that husbands must ask themselves, “Will what I say or do next come across as loving or unloving to my wife?” (81). Asking this critical question will go a long way toward alleviating potentially explosive situations in the marriage relationship.
Similarly, the wife should ask herself, “Will what I say or do next come across as respectful or disrespectful to my husband?” Such an other-centered mindset within the marriage covenant is necessary for the maintenance of peace and order in the home. Keep in mind: Christ-centeredness demands an ethic of other-centeredness. If you are not other-centered in your thinking, you have drifted from Christ-centeredness in the way your theology is impacting your life.
Another way to prevent conflict is to tell each other often how much you love and/or respect them. This will help to cultivate an environment of peace where the relationship can grow and flourish. The stronger the relationship, the more difficult it is for conflict to overturn the household.
For instance, just the other day my wife gave me a hug and randomly said to me, “I’m so proud of you.” When I asked what it was that she was proud of, she replied, “Just of you and the way you live your life.” It is hard to describe the feelings of love toward her that these statements cultivated inside of me. In this brief act, my wife honored and respected me, which energized the way I felt toward her. I won’t soon forget these words. And that fact will influence our relationship in a positive direction moving forward.
Eph. 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
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